Tag Archives: Emotion

Forced Out My Home

There was once a special girl in my life. Towards the end of our relationship she didn’t care very much about others, because she was too busy with her own social life, surfing the internet, fighting away her demons. She lived for herself, and enjoyed finding trouble; she hurt others, including me. After spending most of the night on the internet whilst I was out working the night shift, she would just sleep all day. I was oblivious to what was going on behind closed doors, behind my back.

One particular night she took me to work and said ‘Goodnight I’ll see you at 7 in the morning.’ As we kissed goodnight I replied, ‘That’s fine, see you in the morning.’ I thought nothing more about what she would be getting up to whilst I was working, earning money for food and to pay the mortgage.

The following morning when she arrived to pick me up from work I asked, ‘What’s wrong with you? Why are you so tired?
‘Nothing’s wrong,’ she replied, ‘I’ve just been on the internet playing games.’ Something about her manner made me suspicious so I went into the bedroom and logged onto the computer to check out the browsing history.
I found she’d been surfing the net visiting online dating sites and had arranged to meet a girl who was much younger than herself. My stomach churned and I just didn’t know what to do and who to turn to. I was confused but just continued with my daily routines and household chores. She did nothing around the house; she wouldn’t even wash up after an evening meal that I’d cooked. I went to work every night as usual, putting a brave face on in front of customers and staff.

One night I couldn’t take anymore. I broke down and opened up my heart because I just didn’t want to go home in the morning. I was hurting so much. During the night whilst I was working I switched my mobile phone off and didn’t bother switching it on until the following morning when my shift finished at 7am. One particular morning, at 6.30am I’d received a text message from her saying. ‘I’ve got something to tell you, I’ve met Hannah and she’s here in the car with me.’
I just didn’t know what to do when she arrived to pick me up with her in the car. The thought of her coming home to my house, sleeping in my bed just made me feel sick. I got into the car and we all went home. I’d already moved into the spare bedroom, sleeping on a mattress; so when we got home I left them and went to my room. I was petrified to even sleep, I didn’t Know Hannah. She could creep in and hurt me, steel my bank details, anything! Later when I got ready for work they carried on as if it was normal for her lover to be there. They took me to work and were there again in the morning waiting to take me home. I was like a puppet coming and going as they wanted me to. She had always been in charge, but this was total control!

One evening I was showering, getting ready for work, when a knock came at the door. At this time she was nowhere to be seen, she was out, goodness knows where or what she was up to. Anyway, I answered the door to find the police on my front door step. The police officer who was accomplished by a female officer asked me to confirm my name and said,’could I ask you a few questions down at the station, please?’
I said. ‘Yes, is it going to take long?’ I’m just getting ready for work, my shift starts at 10pm.’ The officer replied, ‘No, this shouldn’t take too long.’ He then escorted me in the police car down to the station.
‘You’re here because your ex believes you’ve tried to stab her.’ I sat back in my chair and looked at them in amazement. My stomach churned with huge knots rolling around inside and I just didn’t know what to say. ‘You don’t have to say anything at this moment in time,’ he continued. I didn’t know what to say anyway. i then told the officer i hadn’t done any such thing. Her uncle used to work in the police force so knew all the local cops. Therefore, I didn’t really have much of a leg to stand on with whatever I’d try and say. Later,
towards the end of the interview the officer said, We’re letting you go, don’t do anything like this again.’
The truth of this story was that my ex enjoyed self-harming, which she used to do with razor blades or a knife and she then accused me of stabbing her; nice person! I went home, she was there acting as if nothing had happened.

This stupid situation carried on for a while until one day something good happened. It was December, a cold winter’s morning and the sun was shining. I’d had time to think about things and knew it was time to leave,
and go fight for my own life. I lay on the mattress in the spare room and thought to myself it’s time to get out. But who would take care of me? Would I end up alone, taking care of myself? Thoughts were running through my head. The scariest part about finding yourself in a situation like I was in, is not being about to think for yourself; people wanting to think for you and you doing what they want you to do. Therefore there was only one solution, to ring my sister and get advice from her; so I rang and explained what was happening. She was concerned and thought the only option would be to get me out and away from my ex as soon as possible. That same evening my brothers turned up with a white van, they came to collect me and my belongings; they whisked me off and took me to my mother’s house.

I went through cycles of depression after the break-up. Murmurs of understanding life through the night were a toil? And even during the day when I was trying to sleep after a night shift, but at first I just ignored it. I embraced the pain and enjoyed being enclosed in darkness. Then something suddenly screamed out at me.
Who am I really angry at?
I hated her. I hated him above. I hate life. I hated everyone around.
I knew I had to move forward from day to day without the outpouring of anger; like smoke trickling from my nostrils. I needed to be accepted by everyone. That included my family; I wanted to be shown love again. And surely the only way through the dark clouds would be to seek help and break the silence. So, off I go for counselling. Some might think you’re an idiot because you’re going out to seek your answers. You sit and listen as the person speaks…sipping his coffee dripping from his chin as he splatters it on the floor. Do I just carry on from day to day with a simple life and wait to see what comes along? I leave the room with a clear mind. Go back to my mother’s house where I am currently living.

It turned out when I ended the relationship with her that is was just the tip of the iceberg. It became ugly because she was deceitful, a friggin’ liar, lacking confidence, hurting and using people, especially me!
The house we shared is in my name, I pay the mortgage it’s my property. When I left she stayed there. Hannah had left but others were coming and going. Things just didn’t stop there, the cheeky bitch decided to change the locks on the property that I own. I had to try and get her out. Why am I putting a roof over her head?
Eventually, I hired a solicitor, got a locksmith and got my property back. Can’t face the thought of living back there again.
We had lived jointly as a couple for 18 years so we went through the process of mediation. At some point in the past she had contributed towards household bills, but not in recent years.
I’ve heard that she’s been in and out of relationships, changed her name a few times to avoid debt collectors and that she looks ill. Well you reap what you sow!
I know there are good and bad people out there in this world, and I do hope one day to find my true soul mate. I have tried to focus on the good parts in my life, to stop it from falling apart, but even so that’s easier said than done. However, I’m leading my life now and it’s a whole lot better than how it used to be!

All You Want

all you want to do is sleep tonight

Far away from the ones you love.

With no hand left to hold

And emptiness above.

So take me in a world

Where you aren’t alone

For at least two nights or more

or for several years.

Sadness

Things are so difficult
I feel lost in life
Emotions are deep in sadness.
Even when I do things, they still don’t turn out right
Why am I treated this way?
When I haven’t done anything wrong
Nothing never goes the way I want it to
I treat others with respect, nobody ever respects me
There are such moments I don’t want to be here
Why do I deserve this?
Deep inside I’m filled with sadness and pain.

Softer Than Daylight

The light which leads
The morning in.
Is not so bright anymore
As one that loved me,
Her kisses she baptised me with.
They woke me less
Than the electric touch of fingers,
Playing me
Like wind in the trees,
Waves breaking
Then there was her voice,
Softer but rough in daylight
Gently breaks good bye to me
With no regret
In her face.

December Guest

My sorrow, when she’s not here with me,
These dark days of winter rain
Are beautiful as days can be;
She loved to walk, the withered path
Along the sodden pasture lane.

Her pleasure with not let me stray.
She talks and I am away with the mist:
She scares the birds away,
I’m glad her simple ways worsted gray
A silver light glistens now.

Yesterday I learnt to know
The love of bare December days
She thinks I have no eyes to see
As she’s moulding out there.